Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
