I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
