So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
