you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
