You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
