In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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