Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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