You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
