Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
