Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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