This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
