you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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