We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
