How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
