even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
