i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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