how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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