she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
