I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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