i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
