I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
