): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just forgot I was standing up.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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