I wish life had little blips of pornography
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
