nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
