If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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