When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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