Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
