epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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