i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
