I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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