my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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