So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
