Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
