Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
