Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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