i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
