haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
