She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
