She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
