I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
