No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
