I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
