I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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