1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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