She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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