Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
