I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
