you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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