remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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