Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i love accidental penises.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
