I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
