Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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