I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
