worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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