Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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