my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
