I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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