Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
