i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner